Today I was browsing books on my kindle. I started with nursing books, but somehow, my mind traced other places and not long after I was looking at books with titles such as Thinspo, Thin, and Confessions of a Failed Anorexic. The even weirder thing of how I ended up on those book review sites was that I almost added a couple to my wish list. Then I woke up.

I don't want to read those books. Those books trigger me beyond belief. There's no way I'm reading them. Even though a lot of them end happy, with the main character going to treatment or just realizing they don't want the disorder anymore, the endless sentences about calories counting, dieting, tips and tricks, and weight watcher's points (?) gets to me. I just can't read them.

Today is a happy day. I've kept my intake relatively low but still healthy without binges. I got my final grade on my winterterm class and I got an A! YAY ->->->

That stuff made happy (especially the last one) because I need to prove to myself that I Can do school and work and health all at the same time. I have to, if I want to be a nurse. No more hospital trips for me! Right?

I guess (and this is just me spatting out ideas and thoughts here) that the thing that keeps me from falling off the proverbial cliff of bulimia is that I don't really want to be known as a bulimic; I want to be known as a nurse. And I also know that for me, I can't be a good nurse if I'm running off to the bathroom in the basement. I can't be the best person I can be for my residents. And I certainly can't achieve the holy RN status I've been working so hard for.

And that's what keeps me from jumping.

Today is a really bad bulimia day. God, I haven't had one of these in a long freaking time. Should I go into detail?

I woke up this morning, showered, and had my usual oatmeal, coffee, orange juice. It was dunkin coffee - so good! Oh yeah, I weighed myself too: 160.0. I felt crappy, but not super crappy, you know? I'm 5'7" by the way.

I want to eat healthier in this new year, so I decided to eat something small every 2 hours. I had breakfast at about 10, so my next meal was going to be noon. I decided to work on my paper on yoga until then.

At about 1130 I wanted to go into town to use the gym. However, I got in there and found out I left my card at home. Of course I felt like a big fat failure for forgetting my card, but things happen. I turned around to go home, but first I needed to get gas.

The place with the cheap gas was all full, so I went to another gas station that also happens to have a dunkin donuts. Dunkin donuts is my weakness, aka big time trigger food. Also, I have a monster gift card to dunkin from my brother, so since I was getting gas, I decided to get something there. I figured it was about noon, so why not eat something? right? WRONG!!

I wanted to order an egg white flatbread, but instead out of my mouth came "half a dozen chocolate flavored donuts please". What the hell was wrong with me, I have not a clue. I just wanted donuts. I wasn't particularly hungry, I was craving and it was convenient.

Well, I ate those half a dozen chocolate flavored donuts in a matter of less than 15 minutes. I quite literally scarfed them down. Not to mention I ate while driving, which is a big no no for me, considering my accident almost a year ago to today was caused by me bingeing while driving.

After I ate the half a dozen donuts I felt like shit. I thought of every single thing I'd seen or heard about bulimic being fat asses, and I figured to myself that since I was acting bulimic & I have that little diagnosis in my pocket, I must be a fat ass. Stupid logic.

I drank a bottle of water and then purged. Then, when I couldn't purge anymore, I drank another bottle of water, then found it in me to purge some more. I'm sorry this entry is disgusting, but what can I do? I need to get this out, & I have no one to talk to right now. Anyway, repeat that water, purge thing 10 (yes, I said ten) times. After about number 8 I was just purging water, but I needed to purge. I can't explain why because I know it's bad for me, but I just wanted/needed to purge more and more and more.

After all that purging, I still felt like I had food in me (my stomach is huge no matter how much I purge), so I ran up and down stairs repeatedly. After about 7 minutes of vigorously running up and down stairs, I passed out and lost consciousness for a few seconds. One minute I'm about halfway down the stairs, next minute I'm sitting on the hardwood floor on my butt with a pulsing headache.

That's when I texted my only support system, my mom. She's in school right now (she's a teacher), but I texted her telling me to call me sometime please. She said back "K" but obviously hasn't called me back.

Like I said, I haven't a day like this in a good month (I'm pretty solid in recovery I guess) but when I do have a day like this, it really throws me through a loop. I feel awful. My head hurts, my throat hurts, I blew a blood vessel in my eye. I just generally look like crap. Of course, purging 10 separate times will do that to you.

I liked xanga in the past so I thought I would get back to it. Plus I needed someone to talk to. Whereas before my blog was strictly thinspo and sickness, I'm going to try to make this as pro recovery as possible. That being said, I'm also not going to sugar coat things. If you find yourself getting triggered by the above mentioned shit, maybe you shouldn't read my blog. You've been warned.

Thanks for reading, and have a good day.